Zoe's wonderful conversion
“My uncle died. Well he was
my great uncle actually and I was really close with him. And it was such a
shock for me, because my uncle was in my prayers all the time. And I was
praying [for him since] a child. I couldn’t really understand [his death]
properly, but I still had no bitterness though against the Lord. And I still
kept on praying for all the other family.
And then I just remembered
then starting secondary school. And as I entered secondary school suddenly like
things come in like the word of God says you know, things come in and they
snatch the word away from you (Matthew 13:4,19).
We didn’t have [the] word. Still
at this point I didn’t even know what the gospel was. But they were snatching away
whatever bit of truth I had. Friends were coming in. And just being in the
secondary school, just so many things [coming at you], so so many things
[coming at you]. And the friends that I had as well, in the exactly same situation
as me, never had any Christian upbringing. Nothing.
And then, it was like I almost
became embarrassed before them to think that I’d even think of Jesus Christ, or
that there is a God. And then obviously then, as you go through secondary school
evolution comes in, and from the television, from secondary school, from all
walks of life. You can’t get away from it. And suddenly it was almost like,
‘Yeah, of course there’s no God.’
I actually like, would… I remember
a teacher at secondary school saying, ‘Who in here believes in God?’ And I remember
looking around thinking nobody’s going to put their hand up. and I remember
this one girl called Jennifer Clegg put her hand up and she must have been so
brave. She put her hand up and I just thought, ‘Wow, you know, how silly, how
silly you know.’ And then I remember him saying, ‘So I take it then that
everybody else is an atheist’. And everybody was like so quick to put their
hands up. Like it’s a big bragging thing, ‘Oh yes, of course, I’m an atheist!’
And basically, so that’s
where I was through my secondary school. And then obviously then my life
reflected that because ‘There isn’t a God, we aren’t accountable to anybody.
What does it matter?’ I’m not saying that I was a horrible out and out person. But
then at the same time, through my years growing up I wouldn’t even speak of the
things that happened in those years. It would be a shame.
And then I met Kevin and we
was very young. And our lives really together was just your normal relationship
of the world really, you know. [The world says that] you don’t really have to
get married. You know, you can still do what you really want to do, really. You
know, you don’t have to make a commitment [to each other].
And we got engaged, and we
were engaged for like ten years, you know. And then I got pregnant with Dylan,
who’s my oldest son. And life really began to change. We had a baby on the way;
we wasn’t (sic) married; and just I think [the reality of ] life really sank in
that we have to…we were soon to be parents and have responsibility. And then we
had a terrible time. And we actually…we split up. And then when we had
Dylan…(crying). When I had Dylan we just, I think Dylan was about two, no, no,
he would have been about six months old, and I remember just, uh—i don’t know—wanting
to run away from life, and just wanting to get away from everything really, to
be honest.
And then Kevin—one morning, I
woke up, and he just wasn’t there. I was in this house [where she is speaking] at
the time, because we moved in when I had Dylan. This was like six months down
the line. He [Kevin] wasn’t there, and I thought, ‘Where’s he gone? Where’s he
gone?’ And to be honest with you I thought, ‘He’s gone, he left. You know, he’s
had enough, he left.’ And then he came back around about like dinner time-ish.
And I said, ‘Where’ve you been? Where’ve you been?’
And he said, ‘I don’t know. I
just woke up this morning and I felt the Lord.’ Well he didn’t say, ‘I felt the Lord.’ But he just said, ‘I felt
like I had to go to church.’ And it was the local Anglican church. And I remember
thinking, ‘Church? What’s he doing going to church for, this is crazy!’ You
know, ‘Who goes to church nowadays?’ And then he started going there every
Sunday and he was coming back and the Lord was just driving him to go to
church.
Kevin wasn’t converted at
this point. But we were there [at the church]. Basically he then started to
take me along because everybody was saying to him, ‘Oh bring your girlfriend
and your son.’ You know, ‘Why are they not coming?’ So I started coming along
with Kevin. And I remember going there to the Anglican church, and I just I remember
thinking, ‘This is just like taking me back into the past.’ You know, all these
memories coming back—of like being at school, in the church, and with me Grandma.
And I remember I started singing songs and things. And, I don’t know, something
within me started to light again, in a sense. I still didn’t know the truth. I still
didn’t know the gospel. But there was something there. Some kind of… The Lord
was doing some kind of work.
And I guess I was there for
seven years. And then after that seven years, one day—I mean you’ve probably
heard Kevin’s testimony, I don’t know, Kevin was in the garden. And I remember
that day he came in the house and he couldn’t keep still. He’s walking around,
you know, we didn’t know what being born again was that day. We didn’t know.
But from that day onward Kevin just changed. He just completely changed. But
then you see rather than let me, kind of, making everything ok [for me], it was
then even harder a battle for me because I thought, ‘What’s going on? What’s
going on?’ And then all Kevin could do was just be reading his Bible all the
time. You know, he’d go to every meeting at the Anglican church. He wouldn’t miss
one. And then he started writing magazine articles. He just had this passion
for God.
But then I started to read
the Bible. And rather than sort of like read it to find truth, I was reading it
to find fault. And every time I found something in the Bible that really just
aggravated me. Like, for instance, when Jesus says, you know, ‘to pluck out
your eye’ and ‘to cut off your right hand.’ And I’d pick these text out and I’d
be like, ‘Oh this is ridiculous. How can people do this? That’s just nonsense.’
Anything I could grab hold of I would, I’d start trying to almost tear Kevin’s
faith down and almost tried to, and I just didn’t want the Bible.
And then, anyway I remember,
as well, I started to kind of… Kevin
then went to Calvary Chapel church, which was a… and I met some lovely people
there. But what I started to do was then, because the people were so nice and
so lovely, I started to try to fit in, which is the worst thing anybody can
ever do. Never try and fit in. If you know you’re not right with God, never try
and fit in. It’s the worst thing you can do.
So then because I was trying
to fit in, I was trying to convince meself [myself] that I actually knew the
Lord. You know, I was trying to convince meself. So then because everybody was
so lovely, so caring, and I would read my Bible—and I’d read it but I would not
read it—I wouldn’t read it with an honest truth of trying to see what God
wanted for my life. And I’d read it, without really believing as well, the
promises of God, and what I was reading.
And another example, as well,
I was just thinking of was when…I was ashamed as well, because I remember going
to be with family and friends and things, and I’d always think [in a whisper],
‘Oh no, Kevin please don’t start talking about the Lord. Please not here. Don’t
start talking about the Lord. Please not here.’ And I couldn’t relax for fear
that Kevin might actually tell somebody, you know, about the Lord. And I remember
even in the car, we would even have music on sometimes, and maybe we’d have
like the window down, and I think other people could hear the Christian music
being played. I wanted to like close the windows. ‘Wind the windows up!’ I really
was just, um, yeah. It was almost as if I was embarrassed.
And then, from that I’ll kind
of move on a bit as well. Kevin got asked if he could go pastor a church in
Fleetwood. And we went there. And at this point, again, I just thought in knew
the Lord. I felt like I had really grown and I gained so much knowledge. And I’d
convinced myself that I was fine with the Lord, absolutely convinced myself
that I was fine with the Lord.
Anyway, our time in Fleetwood
was a lovely time. And again as soon as Kevin started to touch on the gospel,
and one of his sermons about being born again, there was so many people that
were so angry, because Kevin had preached you must be born again. And amazing
thing was as well is that the actual sermon even angered me a bit. I remember
going home thinking. and I said to Kevin [whispering], ‘You can’t preach like
that. This is an Anglican church. You can’t preach like that, telling people
they must be born again. Look at all the people you’ve offended. That’s the end
now.’ I was no better than them, but at the time I still didn’t know that I was
like them. I thought I knew God. and rather than support Kevin, all I did was
pull Kevin down. I just pulled him down, and pulled him down. I was not a godly
wife whatsoever. I was terrible.
And then I remember actually
going to the bathroom at Fleetwood, and I remember getting down on the floor,
and I even said to the Lord, and it was
the first time really that I’d kind of like, come to God. Like knowing I had
nowhere else to go, I had to come because it really was desperate times for us
in these times. And I remember getting on the bathroom floor, and just saying,
‘Lord, where? What’s happening? What’s going on? We’re here in this church and
I think the people just want us to go. Where are we going? What are we supposed
to do?’ And the scripture even came to me, where the Lord Jesus said, ‘The
foxes have holes, and the birds of the air have nests, but the Son of man has
nowhere to lay His head.’ And I just think [of] the mercy of God because He
could even speak to me then. When I was miles away from it, you know, the grace
of God, the mercy of God. And I just got up off the floor and it was like an
answer, and I just knew from that point we weren’t staying. You know we didn’t
even have to wait for what the people had to say. It was like the Lord had told
us we were going, you know.
So anyway, this was in 2009,
Christmas 2009 we came back. And then after we came back, then because I had
set all my hopes up on Kevin kind of having this church, and we was gonna have
this lively man’s house to live in, you know, and a lovely church and I had all
this fairy-tale nonsense in me head really. And the Lord, it’s like He just
swept the rug from under me feet, all me hopes and all me dreams, they’re just
gone. So we came back to this house, and I just fell into complete depression, complete
and utter depression because I didn’t know where I was anymore. I didn’t know
what we were supposed to be doing anymore. My life was just… I was just
depressed, constantly depressed all the time, you know, moping around. And then
I was even ready a book by Marty-Lloyd Jones called, ‘Spiritual Depression’.
And it actually helped. So I started to seek God a bit more earnestly.
Well then, it was 2009 it’ll
be. And it was the ninth of March, and it was a Monday morning. And I sat in
that corner where Evelyn sat now in the Bible study. And I just, I was just
really, really down. And the night before I was reading in Romans and I wasn’t
reading Romans chapter 10. Actually I was reading Romans chapter 11, where
basically Paul talks about the vine and if we being grafted in, how much more
should we live for Christ.
But that had, like it wasn’t
doing anything. My mind was kind of all over the place. And then my eyes jumped
to Romans chapter 10:13. And I’ve heard it said it’s like sometimes when you’re
reading the Bible it’s like you have 3-D glasses on, and the Scripture just
jumps out at you. This is what happened. I just saw the scripture that said, ‘For
whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord, shall be saved.’ And that night
I went to bed crying over that scripture.
I said, ‘Lord Your word says,
“Whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.”’ I said,
‘Lord, I don’t know if You’re true. I don’t know if You’re real. But Your word
says this.’ I said, ‘Lord, You’ve got to save me!’ And that night I was like
this, just crying, and burdened and the weight, I can’t describe to you this
weight I had on me.
And then, like I said, I sat
where Evelyn sits now. The following morning, I just said, ‘God, I cannot go on
like this. I asked You last night. Your word says, “For whosoever shall call
upon the name of the Lord shall be saved,” [rapping her hand in frustration and
sorrow to the Lord.] I feel no different.’ So I got up from there and I went
into the kitchen, and I just poured out my heart to God. Absolutely everything.
Any kind of anger I had towards people, family, friends, Kevin even, [God
even?]. Just everything just came out. Absolutely everything that was on my
heart just came out to God. It was just everything, just all the times me feel
sorry for meself, everything came out. And then, as I was just pouring out
everything to God, suddenly it was like…I can’t describe it. It was like the
Lord just sort of like… I don’t know. It was like when you’re pulling off a
jumper, [a shirt] and it’s inside out, the Lord did that to me. And He showed
me meself, and for the first time in my life the things I saw, that the Lord
revealed to me that morning was absolutely disgusting. I had never seen such a
vile person, and I just broke down. Because I was just such a vile person, and
the Lord had truly shown me my sin.
And all of the sudden, it was
like, I can’t describe it really. It was almost like a vision. Like of the
cross and it’s almost like I saw the Lord Jesus on the cross. It was like, for
the first time in my life, I saw I was a sinner. And I saw that the Lord Jesus
Christ actually died for me, for my sins, for the very first time in my life.
And it absolutely broke me. It broke me, and I just I just came to the Lord. I was
like, ‘Lord forgive me. How dare I say this about these people? How dare I say
that about my husband, how dare I say…’ and then after that, it was like…you
know. When the Lord was [being baptized] it says and the Spirit of God
descended like a dove. And that’s all I can describe it. And it was like the
Spirit of God…It was like this peace, an absolute peace. And all this burden
that I was carrying around with me from life, it just… it was like, lifted. It
was gone. It was like John Bunyan, in “Pilgrim’s Progress, and he’s got this
big backpack on His back, and suddenly he just drops the backpack off. It was
like that. It was like, I was free. And for the first time in my life was it
was like. I was absolutely ecstatic. It was wonderful. And I was just like
bounding, it was like the Sun had suddenly just come up and it was shining through
the window in the kitchen. And it was like, ‘Wow, I’m free. He’s forgiven me.
The Lord Jesus has forgiven me.’ And I just came bounding out the kitchen
jumping about and everything and I ran up the stairs. And as I got to the top
of the stairs, I was like thinking, [whispering] ‘I can’t tell Kevin that the
Lord save me, can I? He thinks that I’m already saved.’ But I just couldn’t. I had
to go bounding in the bedroom and Kevin was reading his Bible.
And I’m like, ‘Kevin, the
Lord saved me. The Lord saved me. The Lord saved me.’ And Kevin’s like completely
speechless. And he didn’t know what to say because I was just full of it. And
he couldn’t stop me. And I was rambling on. It was just so exciting. And then I
just started smiling. And he was laughing and the children came in, and…oh! And
I came back downstairs, and I don’t know. The rest of that day was just amazing
for me. It was absolutely amazing. And it was just wonderful. And I remember me
mum come that same day. I told her what had happened. And she was trying to
explain it all away, you know. ‘Well, you just poured out your heart, you know.
You feel better really. You know, you had a good cry. But everybody feels better
[when they’ve had a good cry].’
And I was like, ‘Oh no!’ I was
like, ‘Mommy you just don’t understand it.’ And I remember she was going, and I
went to give her a hug. But this feeling I got as I went to give her a hug…. It
was like…like a weight when I went to give her a hug. It was weight. And it was
the Lord telling me, ‘Your mum doesn’t know Me. Your mum doesn’t know Me. And
you know where she’s going now.’ And it was like a grief. And I just wish that
that weight sometimes would come back, you know, for the lost. Because I feel
sometimes I feel like I do the Lord a disfavor. Because I feel like I don’t do
enough, you know. I should be, sometimes I feel like I should be going to
family, and sitting down with family. You know, one by one, and maybe that’s
what the Lord’s telling me to do even now.
Yeah, so that was the day
that I came to the Lord. And I do remember though the week after that, I actually
sort of started to lose that like kind of being up here with the Lord, you
know. Because I neglected me reading the Bible. Because I was living on a high.
It was almost like, ‘I don’t need the word now.’ But then I remember that the
song… I went to a funeral that week. It was my uncle’s. And it was the song
like, ‘Do not be afraid for I have redeemed thee. I have called you by your
name. You are Mine.’ And I didn’t have a clue that was Isaiah [the book from
the Bible]. And it was only when a friend told me that it was Isaiah. And I read
that scripture. And I just hold on to that now. ‘I have redeemed you. I have
called you by your name. You’re Mine.’ That’s my, you know, my scripture now,
forever. And the other one is, of course, as well, ‘That whosoever shall call
upon the name of the Lord shall be saved’ [tapping the podium for emphasis].
And I just wanted to make
sure that you know anybody here as well who may feel they don’t know [God],
again just read the word of God, believe what it ways, and ask what it tells
you to. You know, anybody. And, but, that’s my testimony anyways. ”
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