The Lord of hosts rescued the perishing

Billy—I had nothing. I was nothing. My life was worth nothing. I was dead. I was dead inside.

Narrator—Billy Lynn wanted to die. His emptiness and desperation started when he was five [years old]. His dad walked out on the family.

Billy—I was lost. Basically, no identity. I was in search of my identity, and took a lot of blame upon myself for my father leaving.

Narrator—By his early teens he had spent years in juvenile detention for repeatedly running away from home.

Billy—I was raped and sodomized among other things of a torturous nature. And that was at the hands of the youth leaders that were supposed to be there to protect me. With all of those rapes brought more and more emptiness.

Narrator—When he wasn’t a “Juvie” he was on the streets. He learned he could sell his body for money.

Billy—I lived completely on survival mode. At the same time, very empty, lonely, lost, always looking for something to fill up the big black hole inside of me that never could be filled. As sex was almost 100% of my survival, and what I had to do to survive. I numbed my way from feeling anything. My self-worth at that time was so low that I believed I was a human toy for whomever wanted to fulfill a fantasy that they had.

Narrator—In his twenties he became a male escort. He also got involved in pornographic movies, and live sex shows.

Billy—Pornography business is nothing what it appears to be. It does nothing but dig a big, giant, deep black hole inside your soul. In order to get through that I started to use cocaine. And high doses of cocaine.

Narrator—He eventually traded cocaine for crack cocaine.

Billy—The first blast I did made me feel like I was the engine of the fastest train in the world. But each blast after that I went back a car, to eventually years later, I was the caboose. But in my mind, in the insanity of the drug and the addiction, I believe that if I got a better hit off of the pipe, if I just got some better dope, I could become the engine all over again. And that never happened.

Narrator—Billy spent his days and nights in his closet, smoking crack and abusing his body.

Billy—I cut myself. I rubbed my own blood on myself. I would stick pins and needles inside of the nerves of my teeth so I could feel something. And it was all about feeling something. Anything to draw blood and bring forth pain. Pain is better than nothing. I was numb. I was numb. I had no feeling of life.

Narrator—He lived in his closet for ten years, only coming out to sell his body for money to buy more crack.

Billy—This is where I was going to die. And no matter how much crack I smoked, how much alcohol I drank, I was going to do it until I died. Nothing worked, as far as suicide went. So I had made up my mind that I was going to just get at gun, and put it in my mouth, and pull the trigger. And I knew that would work.

Narrator—But before he could pull the trigger, he saw something that stopped him cold.

Billy—I had stopped looking at myself in the mirror because of such shame and guilt—a long time ago. And I happened to get a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I couldn’t see my eyes. And it did something to me, and in sheer desperation I said, “God, if You’re real, You’ve gotta save me right now because I can’t feel. In 1.2 seconds I’m going to pull this trigger and I’m going to die.”

That’s when I felt the Spirit of God, and His right hand reached down inside of my soul and my heart, and touched me. And I felt a soft voice say, “Stand up.” And I stood up, and I looked in the mirror I could see my eyes again. And I could see color in my eyes. I could see color in my face. And I saw a light and a ray of hope that was much more powerful than any cocaine, much more powerful than any lust, much more powerful than anything in the world in which I lived.

Narrator—Billy was immediately changed. He cleared out his closet, and threw away his drugs. He bought a Bible, and spent the next year learning about the God who had saved him.

Billy—Nobody saved my life but Jesus Christ. Couldn’t explain it. Didn’t understand it. But, I knew that God was real. He was alive. And He just touched my heart. I never had hope before, and now I had hope. And I knew I was worth something. I knew that I had something that was better than what I had lived through for forty years.

Narrator—Billy is married and lives in Florida with his wife. He shares his experience with others who are desperate for a life-changing encounter with God.

Billy—Sometimes desperation is a wonderful gift. If you feel desperate because you got no place else to go, cry out to Jesus in desperation and He’ll meet you right where you’re at. If you do it with an open, sincere heart, He will hear you. He will hear your cry. He will answer your prayer. And He will come to your aid. Jesus Christ can set you free. He can take your life and give you the desires of your heart when you desire His heart. There’s nothing impossible for Jesus Christ.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5DOcIYOWcE,  minute 1:44:17-1:51:18